The Shoulder
The Shoulder
47
candid-wolf-327

My whole family was hit by a reckless driver. I wasn't in the car and I can't cope.

I don't even know how to start this. About two months ago my parents, my aunt, and my teenage sister were all in the same vehicle heading to a family reunion a few states away. I was supposed to go with them but I had to stay back last minute for a work emergency. So I'm sitting at home and I get one of those automated crash-detection alerts from my sister's phone. Then another one from my mom's.

I've never moved so fast in my life. My partner and I jumped in the car and drove through the night. By the time we got to the hospital they were scattered across different floors — some in the ICU, some in trauma. The driver who hit them had run a red light at a completely reckless speed. Nobody was racing them. They were just... in the wrong place.

Everyone survived, which I know is the "good" outcome. My dad is still in PT, my sister had a head injury that's affected her memory, and my aunt is dealing with chronic pain from a spinal compression. They're all fighting hard.

But I'm falling apart in a different way. I wasn't even in the accident and I can't sleep. I replay that drive to the hospital constantly. I hover over my family like I'm afraid they'll disappear if I look away. I feel guilty for not being with them AND guilty for being relieved I wasn't.

Has anyone else been on the outside of an accident like this? How do you even process something like this when you're not the one with the physical injuries? Is there a name for what I'm going through? I feel like I don't have the right to struggle because they're the ones who were actually hurt.

13replies

Not sure what your claim is worth?

AskMatlock can connect you with an independent injury lawyer for a free case check — no pressure, no cost to start.

Check my case

0 / 4000 · posted under a randomly assigned handle

13 replies

  • 20
    mellow-bison-897

    What you're describing — the guilt, the hovering, the not sleeping — I felt all of that after my brother's accident even though I wasn't in the car either. You absolutely have the right to struggle. Witnessing trauma (even secondhand, even through a phone alert) is still trauma. Please don't minimize what you went through that night.

    • 13
      silent-mole-231

      I'm sorry this happened — genuinely. I just want to gently push back on one thing: are you getting any support at all right now, or are you spending all your energy taking care of your family members? Because from what you wrote it sounds like you might be running on empty and calling it 'coping.' That's not the same thing.

    • 1
      weathered-backseat301

      Thank you both, this gave me the push I needed to make the call.

  • 19
    warm-crow-282

    I know it probably doesn't feel like it right now, but the fact that you're naming this — asking 'is there a word for what I'm going through' — tells me you're already trying to understand it rather than just bury it. That self-awareness is actually a really healthy sign. A lot of people in your position just go numb. You're not doing that.

    • 5
      hopeful-passenger495

      Same boat here. Did anyone mention a deadline to watch out for?

  • 13
    warm-elk-365

    There's actually a recognized term for what you're experiencing — secondary traumatic stress, sometimes called vicarious trauma. It's very real and it hits family members of accident victims hard, especially when they weren't physically present. The 'I don't have the right to struggle' thought is one of the most common things I hear from people in your position, and it's just not true. Your nervous system went through something genuinely terrifying. Please consider talking to a therapist who works with trauma — not just for your family members, but specifically for yourself.

  • 11
    curious-lynx-501

    Oh my gosh. Reading this I just wanted to reach through the screen. The fact that you got multiple crash alerts in a row from your own family's phones... I can't even imagine. Please be gentle with yourself. You don't have to earn the right to feel this.

    • 7
      silent-fox-563

      Not legal advice, but one thing worth knowing — depending on the state where the accident happened, family members who experienced significant emotional harm as a result of the crash (including people who weren't in the vehicle) sometimes have standing in a personal injury claim. It's fact-specific and honestly varies a lot, but it's worth at least asking a PI attorney about. Many do free consultations. Your mental health treatment costs could potentially be part of the picture.

    • 3
      tired-neighbor928

      Solid advice. Getting it in writing is the part most people skip.

    • 2
      grounded-offramp466

      Took me three tries but they finally budged. Don't give up.

  • 10
    steady-crane-502

    Whatever you do, if the at-fault driver's insurance reaches out to anyone in your family, please remind them not to give recorded statements without legal guidance first. Adjusters are trained to get people talking early, before they fully understand the extent of injuries. Your sister's memory issues and your dad's ongoing PT are exactly the kinds of things that can look 'worse than expected' months later, and early statements can be used against you.

    • 18
      tidy-stoat-834

      Two things: get yourself into therapy, and make sure your family has a lawyer handling the claim. Both of those things can happen at the same time and honestly both are urgent. You survived something awful — just in a different way than they did. Don't wait on either one.

    • 0
      kind-commuter397

      That lines up with what my adjuster told me too.