The Shoulder
The Shoulder
54
cool-grouse-345

I survived something that should have killed me and I still don't know how to feel about it

I'm not really sure why I'm posting here. I don't do forums. But I needed somewhere that wasn't just me staring at my ceiling at 2am.

About fourteen months ago I was hit by a semi that ran a red light. I was airlifted. I had a collapsed lung, a shattered shoulder blade, broken ribs on both sides, a fractured vertebra, and bleeding in my brain. The doctors told my family to prepare themselves. I was on a ventilator for almost two weeks.

I woke up not knowing what year it was. I couldn't recognize my sister's voice. I had to relearn how to swallow food. The rehab facility kept gently telling my mom to 'adjust expectations.'

But here I am. Typing this out. Most of me works again. Not all of me — my left arm still doesn't feel right and some days my words come out scrambled — but most.

The thing is, for the first year I was so focused on surviving — PT, appointments, fighting with insurance — that I never actually stopped to think about what happened to me. Now it's hitting me all at once and I feel kind of unhinged about it? Like my body went through something enormous and my brain is only just now catching up.

I'm not really looking for advice. I think I just want someone to say they get it. Or ask me something. Or tell me their thing. I don't know. I just needed to say it somewhere outside my own head.

9replies

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9 replies

  • 19
    cool-newt-242

    I get it more than you know. I wasn't as severe as you but I had my own 'should have died' moment — T-boned at highway speed, three surgeries, months of not being myself. For me the delayed crash (pun intended) hit around month ten. Everyone around me had moved on and assumed I was fine because I looked fine. But inside I was just starting to actually feel the weight of it. You're not unhinged. Your brain protected you when it needed to and now it's finally letting you feel it. That's actually how trauma works.

  • 14
    humble-otter-660

    What you're describing — the delayed emotional reckoning — is genuinely very common after major trauma, especially when there's been any kind of brain involvement. Your nervous system was in pure survival mode for so long. Now that your body feels safer, your brain is doing its processing. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you. It means you're healing. Please look into trauma-informed therapy if you haven't already, specifically someone who works with accident survivors or medical trauma. It's different from regular talk therapy and it can really help.

  • 15
    steady-dove-245

    I don't know you but I'm genuinely sitting here emotional reading this. The fact that you're HERE, typing coherent paragraphs, describing your own feelings with that kind of clarity — that's extraordinary. I'm so sorry you went through it. And I'm really glad you posted.

    • 0
      hopeful-parent106

      Wish I had seen this a month ago — would have saved me a lot of stress.

  • 18
    cool-vole-139

    I know you said you're not looking for advice and I respect that — just want to plant a seed because I wish someone had told me earlier. With injuries this serious, the insurance process can drag on in ways that keep reopening the wound emotionally. Every call, every form, every lowball offer is a reminder. If you haven't already talked to someone who specializes in catastrophic injury cases, it might be worth it just so that piece isn't something you're carrying alone on top of everything else.

  • 18
    clear-hare-393

    Fourteen months out from a ventilator and you're writing something this self-aware and articulate. I don't say that to minimize what you're going through right now — the delayed grief is real and it's hard. I just think sometimes we need someone to reflect back how far we've actually come, because from the inside it's impossible to see.

  • 20
    brave-crow-467

    Stop trying to logic your way through this. You almost died. Your brain is supposed to be freaking out a little. Give yourself permission to not be okay right now without calling it 'unhinged.' You earned the right to fall apart for a minute.

  • 12
    kind-marmot-493

    Just from a practical standpoint — and feel free to ignore this if it's not where your head is — injuries like yours often have long-tail effects that don't fully show up until a year or two out. Make sure you're documenting everything still. Symptoms, bad days, things you can't do that you used to. If there's any legal matter still open, that record matters more than people realize. If it's already resolved, still keep notes for your own medical care.

  • 16
    swift-fox-385

    Not doubting you at all — just curious, are you getting any mental health support right now specifically around the accident? Because what you're describing sounds like it could be PTSD-adjacent and that has actual treatments that work. Talking here is good. But I wonder if you've had space to process this with a professional who knows this territory.